I look forward to my weekly meditation classes, being guided to visit tranquil gardens; climbing to a mountain top; visualising a dragonfly hovering over a stream; flying with an eagle. I feel euphoric after the class and yet calm at the same time.
I wouldn’t suggest that I am looking to be like Buddha and seek enlightenment but at the same time an image that presented at the top of my mountain has left me with questions. A custard tart awaited me! Really….a custard tart!!!! No spirit guide, no pivotal conclusions, just a custard tart! I am not even that fond of custard tarts. My guide must be laughing at me, playing a joke. Perhaps I take things too seriously. Perhaps it’s a message to enjoy the small things in life, though, I think I do that quite well! What is the universe trying to tell me……………
The meaning of a Custard Tart ????
Its spring time now. A time when I feel the most alive. The weather is perfect and I enjoy the kiss of the sun on my skin. The only thing missing is the scent of jasmine in the air. It’s the growing season and the garden looks great. A recent attempt, however, to grow lavender was an epic fail. Once in a while I still water it, hoping for a miracle.
RIP little lavender
I love plants and gardening and can’t understand the betrayal I feel towards this little plant, having gone to the effort to buy it a lovely pot from which to shine. I have bought lemon grass to replace it. It sits in a neighbouring pot waiting for me to pull the final pin and remove the dead lavender. I keep telling it ‘one more week and you’re gone’ to try and motivate it. If this weeks’ mediation takes me to a field of lavender, then I’ll be in trouble. Oh, and if anyone knows what a custard tart means, or the number 42, please enlighten me.
Love – a noun or a verb…..so confusing
I had to google this one when trying to work out if ‘love’ was a noun or a verb and discovered an interesting and rather beautiful site http://spiritualdevelopmentpage.homestead.com/
I am going to use the verb, the act of loving. Now your thoughts are as to whether it’s a person or an object. Surprise – it’s an object and perhaps one of the best ‘hacks’ out there. I have fallen in love with a Ryobi cordless garden blower. Don’t just leave it for the outside chores.
I used it inside! It’s the easiest way to do skirts and sliding door tracks not to mention the floors and cornices! Open all the doors and windows and round up those dust bunnies.
There you have it. Forget the Ikea Hacks and Kmart Hacks, we can now have Hardware Hacks thanks to Bunnings. It has changed my Saturday mornings. My neighbours are probably thinking crazy lady next door! At least I’m not a crazy cat lady just yet.
Now for other matters of love, yes, the noun. No, I’m not ready to ‘date’. In fact, I’m a little frightened of the thought of being intimate with anyone even though the thought of that first kiss does present a feeling of excitement. I am too romantic for my own good but why not! Surely it will happen one day and I’m in no rush. I love my own space. I love doing whatever pleases me. I love not having to consult with anyone. I love buying anything I like or need because well, I deserve it!!
To be honest, someone recently peeked my interest. I dappled, I dip my big toe in, threw my hat into the arena but It was a disaster and I got my ego severely deflated by rejection. Well, my first foray into a new world had to begin somewhere. Its been a very long time since I have been attracted to anyone besides my ex-husband. Guess I’ve got to brush up on my flirting skills or invest in some botox, haahaa, well I’ll try anything that might arm me with some more confidence before venturing out beyond my safe little world.
One step at a time……………at least I’m getting good at housework in the meantime.
Blogging – A Personal Diary being shared with the World!
Ouch, harsh!! What an introduction. I would have thought the urban dictionary would be describing Facebook or Instagram in those terms. Anyway, I’ve come to the realisation that my blogging skills are a lot like my other pursuits such as art, gardening and cooking. I have to be in the mood to do them. I go through a flurry of activity doing something and then the urge just dissipates. I have so many projects on the go and then I start a new one and then I lose interest and turn on the TV and get adsorbed with Dean and Sam Winchester in Supernatural. If that really so bad!
A Fan of Supernatural
I have had the urge to write today after being bolstered by recent comments received on some of my blogs. Whilst writing is for Me and it is My Journey it is encouraging that some people are stumbling upon my stories and it gives me the nudge to keep on going. I have many unpublished blogs that I have felt better for putting pen to paper as it were but they are not to be shared – Karma tells me not to pursue that avenue.
I found a pin that made me laugh. It sums up blogging perfectly……….
Funny Minion – Blogging. Sums it up nicely
At this early stage of my blogging attempts I even get excited when I get spam! Any activity on my site means something. Some of the encouraging comments give me a warm glow and validate that I can do this, that I can keep going and that life is getting better. It does serve as a diary and I can see how far I have progressed from those very dark days.
Back to my cooking comment I have replaced the traditional Sunday night chore with a spice night. It is to be a dedication to India in preparation for my Food Tour of India later in the year. Yes, I have done it! I have booked my adventure and am counting down the months until I go. I want my life to be full of spice. I am feeling like I am now spreading out with my old wings that I have rediscovered and it is feeling great. The cooking affair does of course involve a glass of wine or to be honest more like a bottle. Sometimes the act of cooking is enough as I often don’t feel like eating at the end of it but it gives me a supply to get me through the start of another working week…….
Of course there is always a Plan B but this is how I recently tackled a flat tyre. I guess I was filled with the sense of ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ and there was definitely a sound track in my head – I think it was the one from Rocky or Mission Impossible………. Anyway, there have been a few firsts that I have had to tackle in my new single life. I have survived Christmas, New Year, my birthday, Australia Day (my favourite public holiday), 10th wedding anniversary and the dreaded Valentines Day. I must admit I did get support from dear friends and a wonderful old Aunty to get through those days with company. My best friend sent me flowers on my anniversary with a note that ‘I will find the love that I deserve’. That made me break down in tears but none the less, I survived. I am stronger. I can do it…….
My biggest challenge will be my long awaited trip to India. This has been my plan for the last 6 months to tick off my bucket list. The coping mechanism my counsellor armed me with for thinking forward. I haven’t yet pushed the button to make the booking. I’m not sure why it is. I have certainly travelled by myself overseas so its not that I’m scared. I think subconsciously that perhaps it might signify the completion of my internal journey. I try to believe that it is my own ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ experience having done Italy and Bali in a previous life before my husband had entered my world. I hope that it will complete me, not that I want to sound like Tom Cruise, but what of my life after that? I haven’t thought past this point. I have read enough travel stories to learn that many people believe that India will change you. Of course, experiencing any new culture, country and its people is enriching. Perhaps I am scared that I will return the same person, not quite complete and whole. Suck it up Princess is now popping into my head. Never ventured, never gained is haunting me. Take a deep breath and just do it. Oh no, now I am sounding like a Nike commercial. LOL.
I was actually cleaning windows and admired how things looked better outside. With that spark of reflection and some soul searching during the activity I realised that things really might become a bit better, clearer one day. I am by no means about to stop taking my antidepressants, in fact I’ll admit (and not to my doctor) that I doubled dosed a couple of times over the Christmas/New Year period.
Outlook to the World – ‘The World looks different through clear windows’
I do try and put on a brave face and with that façade go out into the world but I still spend times crying and grieving. I want so desperately to be happy and to fill my void but am at a loss to complete it. I have attempted to throw myself into new activities such as SUP boarding and finishing small tasks around the home with a mix of artistic flair to give some branding to things and spaces.
Its amazing how quickly your life changes. I now have a drawer full of ‘uglies’, its named my Bridget Jones section. Its full of those articles of clothing not meant for the outside world to see, a little bit like my broken heart. Those things that are meant to make yourself feel better at the expense of not being able to eat/breath under the guise of fashion, the toil taken in trying to squeeze into a figure hugging dress.
Got to love those articles of clothing not meant for the outside world to see
The activity of cleaning out my wardrobe and trying to reinvent my image with a lot of expensive retail therapy has left me with so many orphaned socks. Do I hold onto them and hope that its mate will return, reappear in my life – I don’t think so but I am yet to let go of the singles. I friend told me it’s like the missing Tupperware lids. No one can solve that mystery. Were they abducted by aliens, are they hiding in a dark lonely place waiting for discovery, calling out to be reunited with its other half? Same with the socks, you keep them and hope for the best.
Orphaned Socks seeking mates